In Which I Admit I am Powerless

First, I have some good news. I got my Foundling Wheel groove back this weekend and I have a new first chapter, (don’t tsk, you tskers, I really did need to go back and rewrite the beginning of the story so I could pick it back up again in the middle). I finished chapter 12 and got halfway through chapter 13. I’m back in the saddle and crawling forward again.

Now, the bad news: Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m addicted to the internet.

Between the malaise of summer, taking off for that heavenly writing retreat in the mountains and a growing to-do list that I never seem to make any progress on, I have allowed myself to slip into a state of inertia and near-depression. Why can I not get anything done?

I’m like Pavlov’s dog whenever Google reader alerts me to a new blog post or whenever a new email comes in. Not long ago I added fuel to the fire by subscribing to more blogs! I started Twittering – why? I can’t exactly say. And don’t forget Facebook – where I admittedly spend very little time, but do end up wasting time every time I accept an invitation to “friend” someone new. Might as well check out their page and see who else they’re friends with!

I have always rationalized that reading and commenting on blogs doesn’t interfere with the time I so desperately seek to work on The Foundling Wheel. I have a full time job and I tell myself that if, in between tasks at work I read and comment a little here and there, it’s not impinging on writing time because I can’t write while I’m working.

I finally had to call bullshit on my own bullshit this week.

Maybe I couldn’t work on TFW in that stolen ten (okay, twenty) minutes after the Monday morning conference call and before I answered the first email, but if I had used the ten (twenty?) minutes to go and clean the kitchen, write that thank-you note, respond to the two letters still waiting answers, pay my bills, swiffer vac the hallway, run out and restock the fridge, brush my cat, or godforbid go take a walk and get some exercise, perhaps I wouldn’t feel so constantly behind.

Some of you are disciplined, determined souls and I envy and respect you for it. You get a post out there, comment on occasion, but keep your noses to the grindstone and you make progress on your work. Then there’s me who has to click every link on every post. There’s me who somehow ends up watching YouTube videos of Lang Lang at two o’clock in the morning or I wonder whatever happened to that girl I was stationed with in 1982 and I’m on Classmates.com, Whitepages.com and all over the internet following cyber-leads until I find her and in the meantime, holy cow, I wonder what happened to that couple from Minnesota? Damn, Jensen is just too common a name, but I’ll bet they stayed in touch with…

I’m out of control. On a side note: I did reconnect with an old friend from 1982 and I also reconnected with an old childhood friend this week. Evidence of my cyber investigative prowess and I’m delighted to reconnect, but it’s not getting me any closer to “the end”.

This calls for drastic measures. I have to give up the web – cold turkey – for a week, just to see if I can.

I have to prioritize and here are the “must-do” items in order of precedence.

1. Work. I never neglect the hand that feeds me – despite some evidence to the contrary.

2. Work on The Foundling Wheel – too easy to neglect due to poor time management.

3. Take care of my body – I have turned into a junk food eating sloth.

4. Establish a routine and a schedule and stick to it – at least a little.

5. Read. It’s just as important as writing is.

I’ve got at least one time-sensitive blog post that I’ll allow myself this week.

I won’t ignore email. The time it takes to read an answer email is infinitesimal, in comparison to my unbridled out of control web surfing. While I’m “away” please feel free to email me at lisa dot eudaemonia at gmail dot com. As a matter of fact, please do! I'll be suffering severe withdrawal from all of you.

I’ll comment back to this post, but I won’t allow myself to do it until Wednesday.

I won't be reading or commenting on any posts until (ugh) Friday. There, I said it.

Is it just me, or has anyone else had to find ways to set limits on their internet time?

One Year Later

I always believed we have some notion of who, or what we're meant to be from the time we're eight or nine. A few people stay the course and they become that person. Most of us stray from the path, sometimes due to bad choices but most often because of fear and the need for security. Every once in a great while, we find the path again.
That was the first paragraph of my very first blog post and I still believe it and I’m still on the path. My first post was a sort of public declaration (not that I had a public) of my commitment to fiction writing.

A kind stranger commented on that very first post. Amy, from The Writers’ Group said, “For me failure means never trying. See? You've already succeeded. Best of luck...”

She was representative of the many interesting, kind and generous people I have come to know through this blog. I frequently read discussions about whether or if writers should blog and if there is any benefit to doing so. Generally, the question is raised within the context of whether it does a published, or about to be published author any good in terms of sales. I don’t know if it does or not. I doubt that in that case it makes much of a difference most of the time.

It’s made a difference to me as a writer and as a person.

When I started Eudaemonia I’d been pecking away at something I had tentatively called Ice Flowers. There was some good stuff there, but I had no idea how to structure a novel and by the time I’d gotten 32,055 words into it, I was frustrated and stuck. I’d been reading blogs and lots of books on craft and I knew I didn’t know enough to keep working on it.

I looked back on my posts at that time (it was May of 2007) and all of the helpful advice came from those of you who are still reading and who I’ve been able to share this year with. Everything that all of you said was right and I took your advice.

In June I started working on a new story and I called it Strings. I’d signed up for a weeklong writers’ retreat that would start in July and I needed at least the start of a first chapter to take with me.

The retreat was life changing for me. I attended many sessions on craft, I met some amazing Colorado based writers and despite having to fortify myself with a beta blocker and a beer before doing so, I read something I’d written in front of the whole group.

After I got back from the retreat I signed up for an eight week novel writing workshop and I got more help, learned to critique and met more great people. Then I did a second eight week workshop and it helped me to be a good critical reader and a fair editor.

I was 23,399 words into Strings when Tim Hallinan sent me an email about a crazy idea he had to start writing a novel from scratch and post a chapter a week, Charles Dickens style. I told Tim I’d do a post about the Dickens Challenge and share the information, but I had no intention of participating myself. I had a decent word count going with Strings and two heavily critiqued chapters. I was adding word count steadily, but I wasn’t entirely sure where I was going with it.

Then two days before the first small group of Dickens Challenge writers were due to post first chapters, I couldn’t get the premise of a story out of my head. I kept thinking about it and turning the characters over in my mind and finally I started to write a first chapter and I was in.

The Foundling Wheel now sits at 29,496 words and I’m midway through the first draft of chapter 12.

Are you sensing a pattern?

On the surface it looks like I’m completely incapable of finishing anything and that may be true, but for once, I’m going to give myself a break. In the last year I’ve learned a lot. Ice Flowers put me on my path, Strings helped me to hone my craft further and the weekly posting format of the Dickens Challenge has helped me with structure and it’s helped me to write less from my head.

Last weekend, I met with a new critique group. A writer from one of the two eight week work shops I attended invited me to join a new group and at this point, it feels like just what I need.

This is my 165th post and in looking back at where I started and where I am now, I know that Blogging has had a huge impact on me. I’ve met so many great people online, spoken with some on the phone, exchanged emails with many and even met a few in person.

And did I mention that I got a dog and a cat?

Thank you to everyone who has made this year such a turning point for me.

The Eudaemonia Year in Review

The lovely and talented Olufunke at iyan and egusi soup tagged me for this fun meme. The instructions are to simply show the first line of the first post of each month of the year. Eudaemonia debuted on April 10, 2007. I enjoyed reviewing these posts and I’ve enjoyed reviewing the year with blogging friends on other sites too.

April. I always believed we have some notion of who or what we're meant to be from the time we're eight or nine.

May. Painting is as lonely a business as writing can be, so Scott has developed friendships with other artists over the years and alternates his studio time with group outings to paint en plein air, visits to other artist’s studios and vice versa.

June. I was not much of a joiner as a kid.

July. Close to three months ago when I made the decision to write in a committed and purposeful way, more specifically, to write a novel, I found many great blogs about writing and I began reading them religiously.

August. In a workshop I recently attended, we did an exercise I wanted to share.

September. It's been a weird couple of days.

October. Evergreen, Colorado is a small town in the foothills, about forty five minutes west of where we live in Centennial.

November. Hola! Scott and I had one of the best vacations ever in Baja.

December. Organization is important to me, even when it’s only in my mind.

This was so fun, fast and easy that rather than specifically tag people, I’d like to suggest that everyone reading this go ahead and do it. You’ll like it and as Olufunke mentioned when she posted hers, it lets you take a look at where you’ve been.

The Blogosphere and Literal Reality

I suspect I know how it must have felt to be a Dungeons and Dragons player back in the day. I wasn’t one (I think girls were few and far between with the D&D guys), but they were a tight knit crew of unusual people who generally kept their secret passion to themselves when around the rest of us, but they were a force to be reckoned with when they were together – sort of like Mulder’s friends on The X-Files, The Lone Gunmen.

When I started blogging initially, I didn’t tell too many people. To the average non-blogging person, the stereotype of a blogger was some pitiful person journaling her personal thoughts about cats versus dogs, what she had for breakfast and God knows what other self-indulgent prattle out into cyberspace.

Originally, I thought I wanted to connect with people who were interested in making a life change. By day, I’m working for a high tech company as a technical sales person, but I had decided I wanted to change my life and pursue something with much more meaning to me – my writing. As it turns out, the writing and the process of writing is what the blogging is mainly about. I’ve had an opportunity to share in the experiences of writers from the aspiring novelist, like me to many people much farther along on their journeys.

The term “blog”, short for Weblog is even distasteful. It sounds like a biological function you’d perform standing in a shiny satin dress, friend holding your hair, and high heels aerating the lawn behind a country club after too many rounds from the open bar at the company “Holiday Party”.

Weblog also seems a misleading term. Merely logging events and thoughts doesn’t indicate anything much different than posting thoughts on a web page, but I think the majority of bloggers – at least those I’ve come in contact with – blog because they’re looking for a dialogue.

Little did I know how rewarding blogging with writers, artists and all manner of creative minds would turn out to be. I won’t go into my Six Degrees of Separation experiences to outline how following a comment from one blog to another and to another has led me to some of the most thoughtful and interesting people I know, but I will say that the blogosphere allowed me to meet real live people in my own home city of Denver and hopefully as time goes by, I’ll have a chance to meet some of my online friends in other cities and countries.

Friday afternoon I met Karen Degroot Carter, another Denver area writer. Karen is the author of One Sister’s Song and also a member of The Lighthouse Writers Workshop, a creative writing school here in town. We had a terrific time and Karen posted about it here.

Sometime very soon, Karen and I hope to have lunch with Carleen Brice, another Denver writer, member of The Lighthouse Writers Workshop, blogger at The Pajama Gardener, editor of Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number: Black Women Explore Midlife and author of Lead Me Home: An African American’s Guide Through the Grief Journey, and Walk Tall: Affirmations for People of Color. Her debut novel, Orange Mint and Honey will be released by the One World imprint of Ballantine in February.

Years ago, people predicted that the proliferation of the internet would lead to our increased social isolation, but I feel like I’m part of a phenomenon where the blogosphere is enhancing our lives and bringing us closer to people we might otherwise never meet.

I still don’t talk about my blogging activities to many people and when it does come up, I tend to change the subject. I think it’s a little like being a Dungeons and Dragons player – I don’t think most people understand.

What surprises has blogging brought your way?

Online Dating and Blogging Weren't What I Expected

Not so very long ago, I would have been sheepish about admitting to participating in online dating or blogging, but things have changed and both are now integral parts of our culture. Neither experience turned out to be what I expected it to be.

In 2003, recently divorced, over forty and working from home, I decided that online dating was the most practical way for me to meet someone new. If I could find books, shoes and music online, why not a companion?

Writing up my profile and a description of who I was looking for would be easy. I’d just wait and the right candidates would surface. The first profile I posted turned out to be more of a description of my interests than a profile of who I was. I knew a lot about the type of man I didn’t want to meet, but I had no clear idea what I did want. I was sure I wasn’t interested in looking for a long term relationship. I wanted to meet someone for friendship and casual dating.

I posted the first profile and I was contacted by people I had no interest in and who, if they met me would have no interest in me either. Obviously I was doing something terribly wrong. With each email I received, I went back and tweaked my profile to be more specific about my likes and my dislikes. I was forced to reexamine myself and try to describe myself as honestly and accurately as possible. I agonized over this.

The available men over forty that I encountered at the time seemed to have a very difficult time honestly describing themselves. Most didn’t appear to be intentionally deceptive, but they seemed to describe the person they wished they were, not the person they really were. Had I done the same? I tweaked my profile some more. I became ruthless when scanning emails and profiles, but hey, I was looking for someone to start a relationship with so there was no point wasting anyone’s time.

Preparing to go on a date felt like getting ready for the firing squad. I was prepared to be disappointed and my expectations were met. I figured out pretty quickly that I hated the idea of casual dating and that I really was looking for a long term, committed relationship. I tweaked my profile some more.

I went on four first dates before I met Scott. He was a much more experienced online dater than I was and he’d been single for a much longer time. I saved the profiles we’d both posted from that time and I recently reread them both. We’d succeeded in writing something that was true and we found what we wanted.

Starting a Blog and finding those Blogs that I visit regularly was a somewhat similar process.

When I originally started to blog, it was because I’d decided to make a commitment to pursue fiction writing. I looked at the decision within the context of my desire to change my life and to transition away from the day job that pays the bills to find a way to pursue what I’m most passionate about. I thought about all of the people who have made major life changes to pursue their dreams and I wanted to connect with them. I soon realized that as much as I thought the transition was what I needed to explore, that wasn’t it at all.

The idea of blogging about writing was one I dismissed out of hand. I didn’t have anything to say about it. But the more I read and commented on other blogs, the more I understood that blogging about the experience of developing as a writer is what I needed to communicate on my own site. It took a while for me to find the blogs that I check every day. I return to them time and time again because I find meaning that I can relate to because there are people somewhere creating those blogs that I connect with in some way, all the way across cyberspace. Some blogs are written by published authors, some are people still working to get there, some are people who love books, or art and some are people who just have interesting things to say.

Thinking through and expressing my fears, questions and incremental accomplishments means I have to check in with myself regularly and reflect a lot. The wonderful conversational format of the blog allows me to share ideas with a wide variety of other people who are all somewhere on the continuum that I’m on in reading, writing and just life in general.

I regularly ask myself whether I can really afford the time it takes to blog and so far, the answer continues to be yes. It’s an investment, but the experience and the shared community have given me far more than it has cost.

My online dating and my blogging experiences ended up being far different than I what I expected, primarily because I went into them thinking I wanted one thing and I came to understand that what I wanted was something different.

Have you gone through the online dating experience? Do you blog today for the same reasons you did when you started blogging? Has blogging enriched your life?

Note: Our fabulous cyber friend Larramie from Seize a Daisy tagged me with a meme. If you are curious, my answers are in the post below.